When I worked in a downtown bank in Vancouver during a break between first and second year university, I spent pretty much every lunch hour at Pacific Centre, or when the weather was nice I would walk along Robson Street. On weekends I would go shopping with a friend, my sister, my Mom or sometimes my brother. Weekends were not for the mall - malls were a noon hour distraction. Weekends were reserved for discovering new shops and visiting different areas of the city from Kerrisdale Village, to Commercial Drive, and from Gastown to West Vancouver. It was about exploring the city, and I think about discovering and developing who we were.
When I moved to Calgary to go back to school, my relationship with malls and shopping changed. In the winter when my husband and I wanted a break from studying we often headed to Chinook Centre or Mount Royal Village. We rarely bought anything - we just walked, watched people, critiqued the store displays and talked.
I think I became seriously addicted to malls and shopping when we moved to the United States after our graduate degrees. Perhaps it was because we now had disposable income, or more time, or because as the Director of a small art contemporary art museum, I had an excuse to buy clothes again?
We discovered Cherry Creek Shopping Centre our first December in Colorado. It was a cold, very snowy year and the mall was warm, large and open late. We came to not just like, but love shopping at Cherry Creek. For a mall it was well designed and comfortable. Instead of the typical benches found in most malls, Cherry Creek had comfortable well-designed armchairs arranged in conversational clusters, with little side tables to rest your coffee, or shopping bags. It had a better than normal selection and quality of stores and four good department stores (Saks Fifth Ave, Neiman Marcus, and at the time Lord & Taylor and Foleys). Lord & Taylor had the best dresses, Saks the best shoes, Neiman Marcus had the best mens wear, beautiful washrooms, and the best sales, and Foleys is where I seriously fell in love with and developed a wardrobe of mostly black cashmere. It was Cherry Creek that turned us into consumers. Shopping there was kind of like a game, a hunt, and was fun. You never knew what you would find, but we would always come home with something new and fabulous.
Since moving back home to Canada, my relationship with shopping and clothes has changed. I still love clothes, but the experience of shopping is not the same. I will admit that I miss Saks and Neiman Marcus. Holt Renfrew is just different. But I think it is more than this. We no longer have the same level of disposable income, and I no longer have a job that requires, or gives me an excuse to have an entire closet full of black cocktail and evening dresses and great stylish suits and dresses. Canada has some amazing young fashion designers - but yet, I no longer have that desire to constantly update my wardrobe.
Which brings me back to earlier this evening. A month ago we went to see Love, Loss and What I Wore. As we were leaving the theatre, we each received a $10 coupon for Winners (for any American readers that happen to come across our blog - Winners is what we call TJ Maxx here in Canada). I can typically find something at Winners - a basic skirt, boots, a shirt, or exercise wear. But today I had a physio appointment at the University of Toronto and as it was a crisp fall day, decided to walk to the Winners at the corner of College and Yonge, after my appointment. This is a 'good' Winners. Not as good as the Bloor St. Winners, but still on average pretty good and much better than my local Winners.
I quickly perused the Runway section - which was heavy on coats and jackets, and then headed for the skirts. I can pretty much always count on finding and usually justifying needing another black skirt. I gathered up a selection of skirts - black, grey and black mini-check, grey, black tweed, another black, and really stepping out of my comfort zone a brown and black mini-check. I headed for the dresses and resisting the temptation to try on a couple of really adorable evening dresses (that I so do not need and have absolutely no occasion to wear right now) selected a few dresses. I lined up at the fitting room, having to leave a few items with the attendant, as I was over my 6 item limit. I tried each of the items on and nothing worked. NOTHING! One of the dresses fit perfectly, was on sale, was black - but was too short. I used to wear short - but as I get older, I have discovered that there is a very distinct line between short that is okay as long as it is black and you are wearing black opaque tights and too short. This was too short!
I left the change room empty handed, but was not ready to give up. I was determined to find something, so started my hunt over again. This time I expanded my search first checking the shoe department first. With the exception of boots, which I often find, I rarely find shoes at Winners. I am very picky about my shoes. I tried on a pair of black leather ankle boots, but did not like them enough. I passed on a pair of open-toed boots. What is the point of open-toed boots anyway? I live in Canada - where you wear boots because it is cold, snowy or raining. Not just for fashion!
My next stop was the purses and bags. I am not good at bags and with the exception of this purse / briefcase type bag that holds my laptop, a few files, maybe a book, my iPhone, one lipstick, a highlighter, pen, gum, mini flashlight and my camera, I typically just carry my wallet. However, I have this fantasy that there is the perfect bag out there in the universe somewhere. I used to lust after the brightly coloured bags in Furla on Georgia St in Vancouver, but never even went in the store. So - I checked out the bags, which for the most part seemed perfectly hideous, too glitzy, or totally impractical. I finally spotted a red leather bag that could work and was big enough to hold my laptop. It had nice clean lines and was almost perfect, except it had a big silver medallion on the the front with an "A" engraved on it. I have a few simple rules - I wear black, and I do not wear clothes with logos on them and I was about to add a new rule, I am not going to carry something with my initial on it. Just as I was about to give up on the bags - I spotted what had the potential to be an almost perfect black bag. That was until I looked at the price tag - $455. Really! I just wanted to use my $10 coupon - not spend a considerable chunk of my TA salary on a bag.
So - I kept looking, I checked the mens wear - thinking at least I could pick up something for my husband, checked the athletic wear, went back through the Runway and New Hot Designer section, returned to the dresses, tried on more clothes and still NOTHING! I wondered is it me? I looked at my watch. I had spent over two hours in Winners. I was tired, hot, frustrated and had nothing to show for my time and effort. This was not fun, was not a nice distraction from working on my Ph.D comp exam - this was work! And all this for a $10 coupon?
It felt so great leaving the hot, noisy, crowded, fluorescent environment and stepping out into the cold, dark night. I walked south on Yonge St towards the streetcar to go home. Some guy at the corner of Yonge and Gerrard was yelling at us as we waited for the crosswalk light. Something about the world being run by fascists and that we better do something about it now. We all ignored him. He moved in front of us as we waited. Obviously frustrated by our inattention, he tried to look at each of us directly and asked, " Do any of you even know what a fascist is?"
I remembered that I had another coupon in my wallet - this one for 25% off a book at Chapters. So I turned the corner and headed to the World's Biggest Bookstore (is it really?), which is part of the Chapters - Indigo chain. Although I prefer independent bookstores - I have to admit that the WBB does have a pretty good selection and I had a 25% off coupon. I took the escalator upstairs, heading straight to the cultural studies section. My typical route is cultural studies, art / art history / art theory and criticism, and then philosophy. I had just finished ordering way too many books on-line, so I was going to limit myself to the one book that my coupon allowed.
Why is it that I could spend over two painful hours in Winners and not find anything and here I was in a bookstore for 10 minutes and I found myself trying to decide which of the five books in front of me I was going to buy?
I quickly narrowed it down to bell hooks' Feminism is for Everybody and Christine Overall's Thinking Like a Woman: Personal Life & Political Ideas. But then I spotted Carol Dyhouse's Glamour: Women, History & Feminism. It was published this year - a good sign, and had a decent bibliography. I kind of had to have this. I knew it was partly because of my unproductive clothes shopping experience at Winners, partly because I was feeling anything but glamourous in my going to physio workout clothes wandering around downtown Toronto on a Friday night, and partly because I am writing my comp exam and working on a question dealing with feminist theory, fashion, clothing and women's identity. How could I not be drawn to a book with chapter titles like: "Princesses, tarts and cheesecake", or "Glamazons, grunge and bling", or "Dreams, desire, and spending." So I headed to the cash. Three books, fifteen minutes of shopping and $55. Not bad!
So, I am wondering do I really hate shopping, or has my relationship with shopping simply changed? I still love clothes - but these days I rarely find the process of shopping for clothes enjoyable, fun or satisfying. Maybe it is just the context of the particular shopping experience?
My written responses to my PhD comprehensive exam are due exactly three weeks from today. Although I have been reading and writing about clothes, fashion, and identity - I do this most days in my favorite black exercise tights and charcoal grey cashmere sweater; or in a black skirt, black tights, and black turtleneck cashmere sweater. I still care about how I look, but in the context of being comfortable in a somewhat artsy / athletic / studious sort of way. I am not going to meetings with civic and business leaders, raising money, going to black tie dinners and parties, or any of the things I used to do that required a different sort of wardrobe. Writing papers in a black taffeta gown, or in a dark suit with a silk blouse and sheer hose, just seems a bit silly not to mention totally impractical.
I think it is all about context and priorities. While I still like clothes, and am interested in the notion of how we present ourselves, my priorities have shifted. I am more interested in substance than in surface decoration. As I said to a colleague at a meeting last night. "I think I have a book problem. It used to be a shoe problem." Don't get me wrong. I LOVE shoes - but right now I think I LOVE books just a bit more. I have always loved books, but there were periods of my life when I prioritized shoes just a bit more than books. (Does it all come back to Heels or Think?)
So, I don't think I hate shopping - my interests and priorities have just changed a bit. I know there will be a time when I once again will get excited about shopping for the perfect black dress or splurge on an amazing pair of heels. But right now I am content just thinking, reading and writing about the conflicted relationship we have with fashion and identity, and unless someone else wants it - I am going to let my $10 Winners coupon go unused.
